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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
11:13PM
I feel like I've been looking for My chemical Romance slash for forever... I'm finding some, but I think I'm looking in the wrong places...
Current mood:  bored Current music: Taking back sunday- a decade under the influence
Saturday, September 9, 2006
The board of trustees at my school (Randolph-Macon Woman's College) just voted to go co-ed. We protested... chanted and blockaded the doors to the building they were voting in... but I guess it didn't do any good at that point...
It was the saddest thing that I have ever witnessed. When they read their decision, at least half of the girls burst into tears... myself included.
We feel betrayed... and just generally shitty.
We will fight this.
Hopefully we will be able to overturn their decision, seeing as some other women's colleges have been able to do so in the past.
This is only the beginning.
We may feel shitty now... but as one of the girls quoted... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
Current mood:  pissed off Current music: yeah yeah yeahs- maps
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
I've come to the realization that I may be more fucked up than I thought I was.
I realized today, and yesterday really, talking to all my 17 and 18 year old friends at school, that sex has never really been anything special to me. At all.
The first guy that I was ever with fucked up my head and my heart so bad. It became about attention I guess. Just any kind of male attention.
I've had sex with 28 guys in my life. Only 5 of which I would have really really wanted to have sex with.
I just feel so fucked up, so empty...
And I know that everytime I have sex with a guy that i just meet, he has no respect for me, I have no respect for myself, or him really... and just as much as he uses me, I use him.
And if thats what I'm doing, using these guys... then why do I feel so shitty????
I know that I'm trying to find that love that I thought I had with the first guy. I know thats what I'm doing. And for however long I'm with them... I feel like I'm the most important person in the world to someone....
But I'm not.
I'm not anything to these boys... these stupid boys.
And it makes me feel so stupid for letting them do this to me, and it makes me feel even stupider for thinking that I'm doing anything to them... that they even think about me at all once its all over... except to say that that girls such a slut.
Which is what they say.
I know it kills me everytime this happens... everytime I have sex with a guy, it kills me more inside.
It shouldn't be like that.
Current mood:  crushed Current music: something corporate- constantine
Friday, September 1, 2006
One of the problems about going to an all girls school is that a lot of girls go out of their way to be bitches.
I mean... I knew going into the school that it might be like this... seeing as 2% of my friends at home are girls, and thats how I've always been.
But there are these girls on my hall that are bitches, and its ridiculous. They have an anti ugly girls club, and I think thats just... annoying, actually.
Whatever, I think that the only reason that I have a problem with them at all is that they go to the all guys school thats an hour away from us every night, or have gone every night since last saturday, and they go out of their way to not invite other people, like they lie about going.
I guess its ok though. I'm not going to like everyone, and everyone doesn't have to like me. The friends I do have here, and there are some really cool girls here, are... uh, really cool.
I was talking to one of my friends back home, and hes a guy, and he said that these girls are the type that you have sex with and forget about(which makes sense coming from him) and that I'm the kind of girl that you can be friends with. I think that makes me feel better... although I wasn't quite looking for an answer that had anything to do with sex...
Current mood: aggravated Current music: Placebo- Lady of the flowers
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Well. Here I am. Back at school after three years of doing nothing. Randolph Macon Woman's College to be exact.
I'm pretty fucking scared.
Current mood:  scared Current music: Konstantine- something corporate
Monday, November 21, 2005
2:31PM
One thing that I think I have to say that I didn't say before, because it kind of has nothing to do with anything, is that I have to start writing more. I'm carrying around this bag with all my writing in it, things from like years ago, or just recently or things that I just started.
I must finish. I'm just ranting. Sorry.
Maybe I'll be able to now though because of the movie and inspiration.
Although, the characters that I usually use are Oliver, Marcus, Draco and Snape... all of which either have no movie time (because they aren't in it) or very little movie time. But Draco and Snape are very sexy with their little movie time.
Bah... I'm at work. I hate being at work... But today it's ok for some reason.
I went and saw HP and the Goblet of fire... at 12:01 the opening night. It was AWESOME!!! I mean... it was great. There were these two girls sitting behind me in the theater and the whole time they were whispering loudly about how hot Cedric is, or was. The people I went with told them to be quieter, which was good, because I was too torn between telling them to shut up and turning around and being like... oh I know he's so hot.
I'm going to see it again. At least twice more I think.
There were some things that could have been better, based on the book, I mean. But still.
Mmm... good.
Current mood:  energetic Current music: The killers- Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll
Monday, October 31, 2005
I used to love halloween.
I guess I really still do but it kind of makes me sad now.
My best friend Sarah... well, since she used to be my best friend and isnt't currently... I'll just call her that chick I used to know named Sarah.
Anyway, She loved halloween. And we haven't been friends for the last two, and the year before that I was away at school, so my halloweens have sucked for a while, and now they just make me sad.
I guess I should say that I'm thinking about going back to school. Mostly because my life has become pretty predictable and I really, REALLY don't want to end up here, doing this same old thing forever. I want to go away and not be with my parents and meet new people. The people here are kind of... really young and immature, or about my age or older, but completely established allready, or young and just, very similar to everyone else that I used to know when I was younger. I want to meet people that I don't know anything about, and don't really know anyone who is exactly like them.
I know that it sounds like I'm being a bitch or something. But I'm really not trying to be. I'm just so ready to get out of here and find something else to do, someone else to be.
I do have to admit though, I am a little scared. I'm just nervous that when I went to school the first time and had to come home that that was it. Thats what every college experience is going to be like for me. I mean, what if me getting sick and not being able to do anything (go to class, eat...) wasn't the only thing that really happened. I mean, what if I go away and effectively use my last chance, and really just find out that I can't do it? I can't go to school, I can't do the going to classes, and I have no one there that I can talk to.
I mean, the first time I had a lot of friends, but I was in an 800 student girls school. It was really REALLY easy to find my friends.
Since I dont plan on going to a girls school, or even a really small school this time, maybe it will all be way too different for me.
What if this is something that I just can't do?
Current mood:  cold Current music: Chester Bennington- System
Friday, September 23, 2005
Guh. My Birthday was yesterday. I feel old. I'm really not though.
I have actually been thinking a lot about where I am in life... or whatever. I'm not entirely sure what I should do with or about my conclusions. I know that I need to do more than go to work everyday, come home and sleep and do it all again the next day. I mean (and I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty when I say this)I've always felt that I'm better than half of the shit that I do. And I don't mean I'm better than my job, and I'm better than living at home and stuff. I just mean that I've always felt like I was destined for great things (or something to that effect) and that I screwed up my chances royally when I couldn't handle college straight out of high school.
I hate feeling like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I know that I'm not really doing it, because it IS completely true that having cancer when I was younger really did fuck me up and fuck up my life and my plans. But I think at this point, if I can really concentrate and try and blah blah blah, i think that I can get my life together. I mean, I can see it happening.
I thought of something else. Not yesterday like the rest of this thinking was, but about 20 minutes ago.
One of my friends (I suppose you could call her a friend) at work just got involved with another person at work. She was in a four year abusive relationship that she just got out of, but she still lives with him so he still does shit to her. She cheated on that guy with a married guy, and is now with the guy at work, which is cool. None of that is really important though. Anyway, the point is, her relationship or whatever got me thinking. I guess I've decided that I'm not going to get involved with anyone, relationship-wise or just sex-wise until I get a bunch of my shit together, and sorted out, and basically feel better or whatever about myself as an individual. I mean, I never want to need someone else to validate me. I want to be as close to ok as I can be before I try to depend on another person for anything. I'm pretty happy about this decision and I hope I can manage it. Its just that some of the recent "heartbreaks" that I've had, well, looking back at them, they're really stupid and the people that "broke my heart" were really shitty and not really even worth my time at all.
I mean, once again, not to sound all high and mighty, but I'm really cool, and definitely worth a really cool person.
I'm so excited about this new no sex for right now thing, because I got really tired really fast of being so slutty :)
Current mood:  mellow Current music: Green Day- are we the waiting
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
11:23PM
I've decided that one of the reasons I love The Killers, other than the fact that I actually like their music, is because, as my friend put it... there's nothing hotter than supposedly straight, american boys, going out of their way to seem like very gay, British boys.
I got my new computer. I'm sooo happy, except that when I installed all my shit on it, I fucked up and erased every single one of my 960 IPod songs. I was pissed. Still kind of am actually, because there are some songs that I had that I will never be able to ever get back again.
In other news... I'm sick. I hate being sick, and everyone at my work is sick, so t just keeps going around. We're pretty much fully staffed and have a lot of people there every day, but a few years ago apparently people called off sick all the time, so now no one is allowed to. So the sick just keeps getting recycled. It sucks.
Current mood:  sick Current music: Brand New: Soco Amaretto Lime
Saturday, September 3, 2005
I just finished watching Alexander. I started it last night but I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of it. Not because I hated it, but because of pain medication. It was a good sleep.
I thought it was a pretty interesting movie, I liked the whole Alexander/Hephaestion thing. That was cool.
I think I learned about Alexander in school, in this one greek lit class that I had. Well, I must have or else I would have had no idea how to spell Hephaestion. But I only went to that class for like a week or two, which kind of sucked because I really did like that class. Oh yeah, the point was, obviously, I didn't really learn anything so much in the week or two that I was there.
I have to wait until tomorrow to order my computer online, only because I can't figure out exactly what I want thats somewhere in my price range. I have to get a dell because all the pieces of a computer I have, like the monitor, printer, blah blah blah are dell.
Current mood:  sleepy Current music: Santana and Everlast- Put your lights on
Friday, September 2, 2005
I feel like shit.
I just had surgery yesterday.
A gynocological kind of surgery.
Turns out that I'm super abnormal all the time and they wanted to remove some abnormal cells.
They waited a year or so to watch the cells and their progression, which can now be described as 'rapidly multiplying'. In my head I was all...AHHHHHH DONT SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO ME!!! Just because of the whole having cancer once already in my twenty years of being alive.
So the surgery sucked. It hurt, a lot. But the whole time I was crying and after I was crying, and I think it had a lot less to do with the pain and a whole lot more to do with the fact that I am completely convinced (not to mention scared shitless) that the cancer is going to come back and kill me. So. I've been just a cheery bundle of joy since yesterday.
On to other things...
I have to buy a new computer tomorrow. My computer crashed about two weeks ago. I've been somewhat able to use my dad's computer, but I really hate doing that. So... I have to buy a computer tomorrow. I'm still a bit in shock about the crash though because I lost a good deal of my writing and stuff. So, I'm sad.
Anyway, my parents rented a bunch of movies for themselves and they got Alexander by accident. So, since they're sleeping I think I'm gonna watch that movie... I think I heard that it was good.
Current mood:  sore Current music: Dave matthews band- sattelite
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Crap. I think I've decided that It's time to learn a thing or two about computers.
Crap.
My reasoning makes sense to me though.
I need to learn how to make HP icons... with Harry and Draco... or Oliver Wood. But I need to learn how, and I need to learn how to make a website so I can put my fics there.
Good reason.
See? I was just never properly motivated before.
And I know that there are some people who know about computers and stuff... and are reading this (maybe) and think... wow. this chick is stupid.
And its OK to think that, because when it comes to this sort of thing, I agree. This chick is stupid.
Current mood: blah Current music: Placebo- Allergic (to thoughts of mother earth)
Saturday, August 13, 2005
I just remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with a friend. Which is completely wonderful because it's been so long since I just sat and talked with someone.
My friend (who I havent talked to in about two years) and I just met and hung out for a little bit. She's going back to school tomorrow, and I didn't realize how much I missed her. So it was good to talk.
Was also nice that I got to talk to someone about HP stuff in person. I miss that.
So, now I feel all nice tonight.
Current mood:  optimistic Current music: The killers- All these things that I've done
Friday, August 12, 2005
I'm in such a needy mood right now.
I NEED someone to hang out with, which I don't have at the moment because everyone is busy...
I NEED someone to talk online with, but everyone on my buddy list is or was someone that was a fake friend in real life... so I deleted them... I have only a few people on my buddy list. Two of which are my cousins. I NEED Harry Potter friends on my buddy list. People that I can talk slash to.
And, more than anything, I NEED some kind of Oliver Wood fiction. Preferably slash, seeing as I've discovered that I'm a close minded cannot read het fic loser girl. I suppose I really could, but it isn't the same.
See? I'm needy.
I'm thinking about deleting this LJ and starting a new one. I always say that... I know. Its just that I've changed so much since I started this, and I read some of my older entries and the person that I was a long time ago kind of disgusts me. Not that the person I was recently isn't pretty bad as well, it's just that the old old me was really really horrible.
I just need some HP slash right now. It's all I really ever need.
Current mood: lonely Current music: Shakira f. Alejandro Sanz- La tortura
Monday, August 8, 2005
I feel weird today. I feel like a lot of my problems are well on their way to being worked out, either by themselves or by some effort on my part. It's just kind of amusing really. I've been so stressed for years and years about some of this shit, and it just seems to be going away. Not all of it, but most of it.
I went away with my mom for the weekend, to some spa in West VA. The whole time I was there I was thinking mostly about one thing in particular, but really about life in general I guess. Anyway. I was thinking, all my dysfunctional and shitty "relationships" have been with guys. Which is weird because every relationship (notice the lack of quotation marks) with a girl has been really good actually. Tons better than with any shithead guy I've been with. Which makes me think, maybe I'm just using guys for sex? I've been thinking this for a while now. Every time I've been with a girl, it feels right to me. I mean, I'll do the dating thing or whatever... its just better. The whole situation is less foreign and just generally a better time. Whenever I'm with a guy, its just sex... and if it is something else, either because they want it or I do (very rarely is it my idea) I just feel stupid, like the whole thing makes me feel so uncomfortable. And I mean, I'll have sex with guys, seriously, if you saw the list I had, you know. But sex with guys, I always think about it afterwards, it kind of seems obligatory to me. I'm not really sure about it. I just know it feels more natural for me to be with girls. I mean, guys are always better friends for me I think, and the majority of my close friends and acquaintances are almost always guys... but girls are who I'm supposed to BE with be with.
I think it could be a breakthrough... maybe.
Current mood:  curious Current music: Placebo- special needs
Friday, July 15, 2005
Dude, I'm so incredibly bored right now. I hate it. I have so much to say and I think I'll just do it right now. When I say I'll come back and do it I never really do. Hence the month/year long gaps in my journal.
Anyway... after I wrote that list of guys, that same exact night I added another one to the list. But this was different, because we have been friends for a little while, and I liked him for a while and he liked me. So it wasn't the normal, oh, he's there, I better do him thing, it was different.
So, we had a thing for about a month, I guess, and it was really cool. He would call me a million times a day, and I would call him, and he would always call me just to say goodnight and stuff. It was really different to have someone show me all that affection and pay me attention, so I really liked it/him.
When we started whatever it was that we started,i was going through some rough shit at my house that he knew about, so he was helping me with that. Like helping me to do the right things and not be all bitchy and hateful to my parents during the difficult times, you know? And I know that I couldn't have done so well without him.
The thing that really gets me though, is that while we were together, and before, we were both really, really into some hardcore drugs. And I knew I had to stop, and so did he. So I helped him stop, I have a stronger will power or whatever, and he stopped. And I stopped. And that is one of my greatest achievements. Not really one that I want to tell people about, but, It was a huge thing for me, and at some points I didn't think I could do it, but I'm proud of myself that I did. and him. I'm proud of him, and that I helped him.
But I think that he sees me as part of what he used to be and do.
He met a girl at his work that he started to hang out with a lot, which was understandable because he needed to make some friends, he's kind of new in the city, he just moved in with his brother. I live where he used to live, so I had to drive out to see him all the time.
Anyway, one night he invited me to a party, and showed up with her, only to have her tell me that they were together. So... we weren't anymore.
The thing is, that I've talked to him since then... he really is one of the only friends that I have at the moments, a lot of my other friends seemed to only want to use me, or they fucked me over big time. So... my friends are limited right now. Anyway, we talk, and he wants to be friends still and so do I, its just that I don't know if I can because I do still like him a lot, and when we talk we're just completely honest about everything, so he says he still has feelings or whatever for me, and he wants to be there for me, and hopes that I can be there for him... and just... you know. Every time we talk we end up talking for hours, and he cries and I cry and its sooo emotionally draining. Its so hard for me right now though because I like him so much, and I thought that he was different. I kind of thought that he was my chance... and I'm not even entirely sure what I mean by that.
Current mood: bored Current music: Green day- when i come around
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
I feel like shit. I have realized exactly what I am... I am stupid. I think everything is going to be different each and every time, and so I keep doing it... but I'm not going to find love. EVER.
These are all the guys that I've ever fucked. Starting with the very first. This is all in the last two to three years I guess.
Tony
Israel
Charles
Raphael
Danny
Matt
Donald
Brian
Trey
Tim
Armando
Hector
Charles (not the same one)
Niko
Hector (not the same one either)
Steve
Emmitt
Gerry
Theres definately more that I'm forgetting or blocking out.
There's only two or three guys on the entire list though that I wouldn't take back if I could. Tony and Matt for sure, and maybe Donald... and If anyone who is reading this knows me, and knows them... well... do what you want I guess.
Current mood: crushed Current music: Vendetta Red- Shatterday
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
As of yesterday, my best friend in the whole world, is no longer my best friend. Shes not even my friend anymore. Its about a boy.
Which is dumb.
I guess though, as a result of this, I'm swearing off of boys, which is good, because I like girls better anyway. I'm also not going to smoke anymore I think. Not cigarettes. I don't smoke those anyway though.
I just need to focus really hard on school when it starts so I can transfer and get the fuck out of here.
Current mood:  distressed Current music: Blink182- I miss you
Sunday, August 1, 2004
I never really came back like I said I was going to. But I'm here now... which is the same.
The reason that the whole... I'm over Tony plan fell through is that I saw him on friday night. I mean, he's always here because he lives like 20 minutes or less from my house. But we tend to avoid being in the same place at the same time. Its just that I heard him talking to people, and the same people would talk to me and tell me things, either on purpose or they forgot about the me and tony thing. He's going to California. Music school, I guess the really big one out there? I don't remember what its called, a kid from my high school went there though.
This is the reason I'm upset. Not because he wont be with me, because I don't really want to be with him I think, just with someone that I can love and they will love me. But he's got all his shit together now. And I don't.
He went from getting his GED in 10th grade, sitting around for two years doing nothing but being a huge stoner... to going to a great school, in California... and hes soo good at guitar. He's gonna do something big, and be happy. And I am soooo fuckin JEALOUS.
That's why I'm upset I think.
I had an awesome job that I loved, and I don't have that anymore. I was going to a great school with 99% acceptance rate to Vet Schools, and I dropped out because I couldn't do it. And I lost the only person I have ever been in love with.
When I met him, he was soo depressed and just... dark, and I was too, but we were going to help each other.
He's going to be OK now. And he's doing it without me.
Thats what hurts.
Current mood:  drained Current music: Coheed and Cambria- a favor house atlantic
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