(no subject)

I feel like I've been looking for My chemical Romance slash for forever... I'm finding some, but I think I'm looking in the wrong places...
  • Current Music
    Taking back sunday- a decade under the influence

Wait... they don't love you like I love you...

The board of trustees at my school (Randolph-Macon Woman's College) just voted to go co-ed. We protested... chanted and blockaded the doors to the building they were voting in... but I guess it didn't do any good at that point...
It was the saddest thing that I have ever witnessed. When they read their decision, at least half of the girls burst into tears... myself included.
We feel betrayed... and just generally shitty.
We will fight this.
Hopefully we will be able to overturn their decision, seeing as some other women's colleges have been able to do so in the past.
This is only the beginning.
We may feel shitty now... but as one of the girls quoted... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
  • Current Music
    yeah yeah yeahs- maps

When theres nowhere else to run...

I've come to the realization that I may be more fucked up than I thought I was.
I realized today, and yesterday really, talking to all my 17 and 18 year old friends at school, that sex has never really been anything special to me. At all.
The first guy that I was ever with fucked up my head and my heart so bad. It became about attention I guess. Just any kind of male attention.
I've had sex with 28 guys in my life. Only 5 of which I would have really really wanted to have sex with.
I just feel so fucked up, so empty...
And I know that everytime I have sex with a guy that i just meet, he has no respect for me, I have no respect for myself, or him really... and just as much as he uses me, I use him.
And if thats what I'm doing, using these guys... then why do I feel so shitty????
I know that I'm trying to find that love that I thought I had with the first guy. I know thats what I'm doing. And for however long I'm with them... I feel like I'm the most important person in the world to someone....
But I'm not.
I'm not anything to these boys... these stupid boys.
And it makes me feel so stupid for letting them do this to me, and it makes me feel even stupider for thinking that I'm doing anything to them... that they even think about me at all once its all over... except to say that that girls such a slut.
Which is what they say.

I know it kills me everytime this happens... everytime I have sex with a guy, it kills me more inside.
It shouldn't be like that.
  • Current Music
    something corporate- constantine

excuse me... I apologize

One of the problems about going to an all girls school is that a lot of girls go out of their way to be bitches.
I mean... I knew going into the school that it might be like this... seeing as 2% of my friends at home are girls, and thats how I've always been.
But there are these girls on my hall that are bitches, and its ridiculous. They have an anti ugly girls club, and I think thats just... annoying, actually.
Whatever, I think that the only reason that I have a problem with them at all is that they go to the all guys school thats an hour away from us every night, or have gone every night since last saturday, and they go out of their way to not invite other people, like they lie about going.
I guess its ok though. I'm not going to like everyone, and everyone doesn't have to like me. The friends I do have here, and there are some really cool girls here, are... uh, really cool.
I was talking to one of my friends back home, and hes a guy, and he said that these girls are the type that you have sex with and forget about(which makes sense coming from him) and that I'm the kind of girl that you can be friends with. I think that makes me feel better... although I wasn't quite looking for an answer that had anything to do with sex...
  • Current Music
    Placebo- Lady of the flowers

it's happening again...

Well. Here I am. Back at school after three years of doing nothing. Randolph Macon Woman's College to be exact.

I'm pretty fucking scared.
  • Current Music
    Konstantine- something corporate

(no subject)

One thing that I think I have to say that I didn't say before, because it kind of has nothing to do with anything, is that I have to start writing more. I'm carrying around this bag with all my writing in it, things from like years ago, or just recently or things that I just started.

I must finish. I'm just ranting. Sorry.

Maybe I'll be able to now though because of the movie and inspiration.
Although, the characters that I usually use are Oliver, Marcus, Draco and Snape... all of which either have no movie time (because they aren't in it) or very little movie time. But Draco and Snape are very sexy with their little movie time.

Harry Potter... THE MOVIE!

Bah... I'm at work. I hate being at work... But today it's ok for some reason.

I went and saw HP and the Goblet of fire... at 12:01 the opening night. It was AWESOME!!! I mean... it was great. There were these two girls sitting behind me in the theater and the whole time they were whispering loudly about how hot Cedric is, or was. The people I went with told them to be quieter, which was good, because I was too torn between telling them to shut up and turning around and being like... oh I know he's so hot.

I'm going to see it again. At least twice more I think.

There were some things that could have been better, based on the book, I mean. But still.

Mmm... good.
  • Current Music
    The killers- Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll

Candy apples and razorblades...

I used to love halloween.
I guess I really still do but it kind of makes me sad now.
My best friend Sarah... well, since she used to be my best friend and isnt't currently... I'll just call her that chick I used to know named Sarah.
Anyway, She loved halloween. And we haven't been friends for the last two, and the year before that I was away at school, so my halloweens have sucked for a while, and now they just make me sad.

I guess I should say that I'm thinking about going back to school. Mostly because my life has become pretty predictable and I really, REALLY don't want to end up here, doing this same old thing forever. I want to go away and not be with my parents and meet new people. The people here are kind of... really young and immature, or about my age or older, but completely established allready, or young and just, very similar to everyone else that I used to know when I was younger. I want to meet people that I don't know anything about, and don't really know anyone who is exactly like them.
I know that it sounds like I'm being a bitch or something. But I'm really not trying to be. I'm just so ready to get out of here and find something else to do, someone else to be.

I do have to admit though, I am a little scared. I'm just nervous that when I went to school the first time and had to come home that that was it. Thats what every college experience is going to be like for me. I mean, what if me getting sick and not being able to do anything (go to class, eat...) wasn't the only thing that really happened. I mean, what if I go away and effectively use my last chance, and really just find out that I can't do it? I can't go to school, I can't do the going to classes, and I have no one there that I can talk to.
I mean, the first time I had a lot of friends, but I was in an 800 student girls school. It was really REALLY easy to find my friends.
Since I dont plan on going to a girls school, or even a really small school this time, maybe it will all be way too different for me.

What if this is something that I just can't do?
  • Current Music
    Chester Bennington- System

Its just another day that didn't go my way

Guh. My Birthday was yesterday. I feel old. I'm really not though.

I have actually been thinking a lot about where I am in life... or whatever. I'm not entirely sure what I should do with or about my conclusions. I know that I need to do more than go to work everyday, come home and sleep and do it all again the next day. I mean (and I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty when I say this)I've always felt that I'm better than half of the shit that I do. And I don't mean I'm better than my job, and I'm better than living at home and stuff. I just mean that I've always felt like I was destined for great things (or something to that effect) and that I screwed up my chances royally when I couldn't handle college straight out of high school.

I hate feeling like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I know that I'm not really doing it, because it IS completely true that having cancer when I was younger really did fuck me up and fuck up my life and my plans. But I think at this point, if I can really concentrate and try and blah blah blah, i think that I can get my life together. I mean, I can see it happening.

I thought of something else. Not yesterday like the rest of this thinking was, but about 20 minutes ago.
One of my friends (I suppose you could call her a friend) at work just got involved with another person at work. She was in a four year abusive relationship that she just got out of, but she still lives with him so he still does shit to her. She cheated on that guy with a married guy, and is now with the guy at work, which is cool. None of that is really important though. Anyway, the point is, her relationship or whatever got me thinking. I guess I've decided that I'm not going to get involved with anyone, relationship-wise or just sex-wise until I get a bunch of my shit together, and sorted out, and basically feel better or whatever about myself as an individual. I mean, I never want to need someone else to validate me. I want to be as close to ok as I can be before I try to depend on another person for anything. I'm pretty happy about this decision and I hope I can manage it. Its just that some of the recent "heartbreaks" that I've had, well, looking back at them, they're really stupid and the people that "broke my heart" were really shitty and not really even worth my time at all.
I mean, once again, not to sound all high and mighty, but I'm really cool, and definitely worth a really cool person.

I'm so excited about this new no sex for right now thing, because I got really tired really fast of being so slutty :)
  • Current Music
    Green Day- are we the waiting

(no subject)

I've decided that one of the reasons I love The Killers, other than the fact that I actually like their music, is because, as my friend put it... there's nothing hotter than supposedly straight, american boys, going out of their way to seem like very gay, British boys.

I got my new computer. I'm sooo happy, except that when I installed all my shit on it, I fucked up and erased every single one of my 960 IPod songs. I was pissed. Still kind of am actually, because there are some songs that I had that I will never be able to ever get back again.

In other news... I'm sick. I hate being sick, and everyone at my work is sick, so t just keeps going around. We're pretty much fully staffed and have a lot of people there every day, but a few years ago apparently people called off sick all the time, so now no one is allowed to. So the sick just keeps getting recycled. It sucks.
  • Current Music
    Brand New: Soco Amaretto Lime